Insomniac

When I was a kid, I suffered from insomnia on a regular basis. I literally worried that I would die from lack of sleep. A heavy load for a 7th grader to bear. The insomnia gradually faded as I entered my teenage years, but even now a random night of poor sleep(which I experienced this weekend) is accompanied by illogical, scary feelings from the past when I constantly stuggled with sleep. It's amazing how childhood memories and experiences leave such deep imprints in our lives. It is hard to describe the ceasless anxiety I experienced during a particulary rough patch of sleeping problems. I would constantly worry whether I'd be able to fall asleep or not. These episodes were compounded when I had to take a trip away from home. I was extremely attached to my parents, and the combined feelings of separation anxiety, lonliness, and a great fear of never sleeping again left me terrified of summer camps. Looking back, I wonder if there was another "physchological" reason I couldn't sleep. Who knows. Unfortunatly, the whole experience has made me weary and wary at bedtime.

That said, last night I got a great nights sleep.

zzzzzzzzzzz, eh

Smug as a bug in a rug

I've decided that the personality trait I dislike most in others is SMUGNESS. I can deal with (by ignoring) annoying, rude, mean, condesceding, and catty people. What really gets me though is when someone is smug. I have an aquaintence/friend who will remain nameless that is exhibiting this personality characteristic with increasing frequency. I am at the point that I no longer want to call her, or hear about her life because our conversations always seem to be coupled with this insidious and petty one upsmanship.

Of course I have also secretly felt smug and compared myself favorably to someone else. I look better than she does! I am smarter! I make better choices than other people!

However, I am also humble. I know I am also dumber, more irresponsible, lazy, and average looking than tons of people. I think keeping a positive self image is different than feeling positive about your self because you think everyone else is less important, less wealthy, less attractive, less intelligent, and less of person than you are.

Since a lot of our success today is measured in how much money we make, it is particulary galling when we are compared to others by our checking account balance. I know another individual who quotes her yearly salary every time we have her over to dinner. Why does she do this? Does she think she is a better person because she makes more money than I do? This is the same reason I hate materialism. I don't want my clothes, car, and possessions to define who I am. I like beautiful things as much as the next person, but I hope I never think that because I have more of them I am better than someone who has less.

Elevator Blues

How do you figure out what to say in an elevator with fellow employees you don't know? I usually pretend to look at a receipt in my wallet. Today I tenatively looked someone in the face and half smiled. We work on the same floor. His response: nothing-he actually pretended he didn't see me smile at him. The 30 seconds or so seemed like an eternity. I hate that akward silence, but I also don't want to be know as rah-rah work girl. The super chatty types bug me and I usually secretly laugh inside my head at them. Who wants to be the office cheerleader?

The standard conversation fillers also just don't seem to work in an elevator. It seems much easier to ask someone about their kids or the weather standing next to the water cooler than when you are between floors 5 and 6. It's almost like there is an expectation of strained silences so people just give in to it.

I think my solution to this problem is:

Take the stairs.

Maybe this will help be lose the extra "baby" fat I've been carrying around. (I really shouldn't blame this extra 10 lbs on Faith. She's 7 mo old and I think the real culprit is my husband's love of ice cream)

Stepping out,

EH

Tenderloin

1 1lb pork tenderloin
2 tablespoons olive oil
garlic cloves
cumin
salt and pepper to taste
white wine
chicken broth

preheat oven to 400 degrees
rub tenderloin with salt pepper and 1 tsp cumin
make several sharp slits in tenderloin and insert slices of garlic clove
heat olive oil in oven proof skillet
sear tenderloin on all sides for roughly 10 minutes until brown all over
pour 1/2 cup white wine and 1/2 cup chicken broth into skillet

cook in oven for 10 minutes
turn off oven and let set for 10 minutes as it will continue cooking inside.

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I made this last night and will give it 5 stars. Absolutely excellent and so tender.

If I didn't need my day job I'd be a cook.

Stressed

I want to stay home with Faith. I am missing milestones. I see her three hours a day.

This sucks.

There has to be a better way. Start my own business? Work part-time? Move to a less exspensive city where one income will do?

Weeks go by and I get lulled into thinking I can do this. And then yesterday I talked to her babysitter who said she can sit up by herself for a long time. It makes me sad.

What is the solution?